TURN DOWN YOUR INNER CRITIC | one simple skill
If you focus on your ‘flaws’ no matter how hard you try or what you achieve, you’re not alone.
Something I often see in my clients is the sense that no matter how hard they work or what career or life success they achieve, they’re always critical of their bodies. When life gets stressful, their body is typically the first thing they turn on.
There are many reasons we do this to ourselves. We live in a culture that constantly tells us we should fit it into a standard that 98% of women don’t and physically can not fit into. The survival of many multibillion pound industries rely on us to feel insecure about things almost all of us have (wrinkles, cellulite, curves, or lack thereof). And most of us have witnessed other women being degraded and shamed for how their body looks.
Say hello to an ever present critical inner voice, fixated on our flaws in a futile attempt to protect us. Born is the belief - if we shame ourselves enough, maybe we’ll gain self-control, change our body, and avoid being judged by others (and ourselves!).
But, here’s the catch. Shame begets shame.
Meaning, when we shame ourselves for something we do it more. Binging, numbing, being critical, sending ‘one more’ email ensuring we miss that workout we booked - all of these things fall under the category of ‘self-regulation’.
We employ them when we feel stressed.
When we shame ourselves, we activate our stress response, triggering our need to engage in self-regulating behaviours, which then causes us to shame ourselves again - welcome to the shame cycle.
The good news is that breaking free is simple (albeit not easy when we’re so good at shaming ourselves!).
Practice self-compassion.
I know, it sounds cheesy but the importance of self-compassion and self-respect is not just a fluffy idea; it's a scientifically proven path to wellbeing and confidence. Research (Neff and Germer, 2013) suggests that self-compassion is strongly linked to decreased levels of anxiety, depression, and stress.
People who practise self-compassion tend to have greater emotional resilience and are better equipped to cope with life's challenges. Neuroscience based research shows that by treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, we activate regions of the brain associated with empathy, self-soothing and self-regulation. This in turn reduces internal stress, as well as our need to outsource our soothing. Meaning we don’t need the chocolate, wine or endless scrolling to feel better, because by not shaming ourselves, we don’t feel as bad.
Self-compassion is also associated with greater motivation and perseverance in the face of setbacks (Breines and Chen, 2012). When we’re kind to ourselves, we’re more likely to view failures as learning experiences rather than personal shortcomings, which encourages us to keep putting effort into our goals - say goodbye to yo-yoing.
Lastly, practising self-respect and compassion helps us foster a sense of agency and intrinsic motivation. Meaning we actually WANT to eat well and workout because we care about ourselves. Rather than use shame to punish and change who we are and how we look.
I hope by now you realise that, self-compassion isn’t a woo-woo concept holding up the peace sign. It’s essential for feeling confident and happy, no matter where we are on our journey. And is the very skill we need to develop to counter a world hell bent on making us feel we’re never quite enough.
PS. It should come as no surprise that we’ll be practising self-compassion in the studio in March.
Here’s to tuning out the noise, turning down our critical voice and practising being the loving friend we all need.